HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Uh oh…
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.