Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
This did not end as expected.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
*watches the world burn*
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”