[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Wise advice
One of the best
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”