Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
yea so i messed up lol
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
#milo
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I put the h in mysterious.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude