During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Meow
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
True freaking story!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…