During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
this will hang in the louvre one day
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.