Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.


911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..


interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳


Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie


My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.


Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?


[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*


*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside



I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.