@WarrenHolstein

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

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@TCsSideBitch

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

@ColonelRyan_I

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

@5hael

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

@lisaxy424

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

@TheAlexNevil

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

@antheanton

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

@GrantTanaka

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

@LoveYoorFate

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

@AllanForsyth

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.