Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Do馃憦not馃憦remove馃憦the馃憦exquisite馃憦painting馃憦from馃憦my馃憦wall馃憦and馃憦open馃憦the馃憦hidden馃憦safe馃憦if馃憦you馃憦don’t馃憦want馃憦to馃憦find馃憦a馃憦smaller馃憦version馃憦of馃憦the馃憦same馃憦painting馃憦
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
my kids: how many reese鈥檚 pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese鈥檚 cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I told the kids they鈥檝e stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran