@causticbob I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
@WarrenHolstein Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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@causticbob 
@MrGeorgeWallace Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
@Petote 911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
@Browtweaten interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
@MegsHAUSTED Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
@Kendragarden My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
@globetrottgirl Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
@Puercotron [having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
@shopkins776 *puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
@ozzyunc I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.