@WarrenHolstein

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

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@causticbob

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

@Petote

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

@Browtweaten

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

@MegsHAUSTED

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

@Kendragarden

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

@globetrottgirl

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

@Puercotron

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

@shopkins776

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

@ozzyunc

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.