@TCsSideBitch *standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
@WarrenHolstein Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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@TCsSideBitch 
@ColonelRyan_I I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
@5hael I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
@LoveNLunchmeat How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
@lisaxy424 Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
@TheAlexNevil I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
@antheanton You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
@GrantTanaka 2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
@LoveYoorFate When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
@AllanForsyth “Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.