
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.