c’mon!
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Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.