c’mon!
You Might Also Like
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
thank god the sign was there
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him