Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall