Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.


Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”


Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana


Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.


I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.


I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.


My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.


She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.


I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.