Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’m giving up for Lent.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”