@Jazzzzzmina

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

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@WittySassBasket

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

@peb671

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

@robfee

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

@fluffysuse

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@DirtMcTurd

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

@GensPlace

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

@Consent2Treat

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.