@WittySassBasket I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
@Jazzzzzmina Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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@WittySassBasket 
@peb671 Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
@robfee Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
@fluffysuse Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
@rn_murse early stone age tool
@Lisa_Laughs_ I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
@mattZillaaaa I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
@DirtMcTurd My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
@GensPlace She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
@Consent2Treat I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.