Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.