Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Buck naked
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Every time.
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.