Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
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[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho