Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
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I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Put the is in disheveled
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
can’t talk my ride’s here
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.