Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
seems like a niche market
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.