My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
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My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I would like even faster food.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*