Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Pringles
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”