Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.