My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
You Might Also Like
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk