Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT