People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.