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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Good news
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.