Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Autocarrot sucks!
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot