Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
When you’re Kinky but poor
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.