HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
when nothing goes right… go left
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
umm…
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
😍😂🥰😂😍
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
every college guy’s fridge
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3