google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
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MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!