google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on