Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Worth a try
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”