Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.