The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Oh thanks BBC.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds