“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
What is going on? 😅
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it