“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
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How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Leaving the Barbers like
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Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis