My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
shampoo implies shampee
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I feel it
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.