[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
You Might Also Like
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone