
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..