If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.