@_elvishpresley_ ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
@Molly_Kats If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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@_elvishpresley_ 
@causticbob I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
@johnbiehl “Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
@HansGrubertron DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
@shutupmikeginn I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
@GrahamKritzer Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
@skittle624 My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
@Suzietine_Kryze Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
@MollySneed I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.