@Molly_Kats

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

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@Crutnacker

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

@junejuly12

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

@secondofhername

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

@squirrel74wkgn

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

@Cheeseboy22

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

@minkpinkustink

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

@juneohara65

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

@MelvinofYork

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

@mirandaasantos

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..