new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.