i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My life coach traded me.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag