“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.