me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
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damn he’s good
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.