My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
These work great until they don’t.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽