*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
yeet
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.