My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”