My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
nyc:
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
BETRAYAL
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
cause of death:
autopsy.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*