3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
accurate
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.