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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!