me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I want this so bad
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.