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Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?