Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.