@SonOfCha

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

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@UncleDuke1969

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

@zolofighter

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

@UncleDuke1969

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

@SoulYodeler

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

@thetobbie

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

@Demented_Jokes

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.