Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

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Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.


” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “


Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.


Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.


When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”


The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…


Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.