@SonOfCha

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

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@ArtIsMyPorn

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

@noog

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

@noog

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

@slimmy_shady

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

@bridger_w

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

@KindaHagi

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

@amburgklur

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.