Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

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The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.


I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.


I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.


Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.


My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.


I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson


in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality


Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-