It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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Don’t touch that.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers