It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat