Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back