@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

You Might Also Like

@generaldietz

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

@AmishSuperModel

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

@Hobo_Splendido

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@LorieGZ

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

@ozzyunc

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

@goodgrief_rats

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@carlyken

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”