@Jesssicle Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
@generaldietz Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
@AmishSuperModel Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
@Hobo_Splendido The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
@david8hughes [at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
@LorieGZ My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
@ozzyunc Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
@dubiousrhetoric [at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
@goodgrief_rats I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
@TheDeducers Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
@carlyken Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”