Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet