Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

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[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.


My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.


If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question


NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.


Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”


My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?


Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?


Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.


**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]


The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.