Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

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Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one


Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.


The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.


[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no


My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.


Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.


I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.


Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage


Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”