@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

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@TheToddWilliams

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

@gringothespice

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

@oxygenplug

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

@JohnKapetaneas

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

@neiltyson

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

@Tbone7219

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

@lynnbixenspan

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

@TheBlessMess

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

@Fred_Delicious

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

@WheelTod

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.