You Might Also Like
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.