[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health