Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble