Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
*pronounces surface like Versace*
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
his wife is probably gonna see that
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.