Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Based Erika
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.